What to do with all that stimulus money

Now that our congresscritters have decided to spend $800 billion of my (well most of it ain't mine personally) money. City leaders across the state have dollar signs in their eyes making plans to get some of that government cheese. Local leaders are not exempt and have started dreaming.

The funding of the bypass extension mentioned in the story is a reputable use of the money I guess. Let's face it, if the bypass extension isn't built, we'll end up with a new hospital in the middle of a cornfield.

So the 'ole Curmudgeon got to thinking, what other projects could we use that money for? Re-defining the term "shovel-ready project" I present to you my list:

1) $80 million for downtown development - build a big fire pit downtown and burn the $80 million, matching the results for the $80 million we are already going to spend.

2) $125 million for tourism - Fund a research project to clone Bill Monroe and bring a revival to Bluegrass music (double points because the project involves high tech industries).

3) $5 million for the agriculture industry - Renovate the Riverpark center into a big tobacco barn - maybe then it would get some use.

4) $10 million for local charities - Fund gold plated burgoo kettles for all the local church cooking teams. Yeah, lets add some bling to our burgoo.

5) $10 million for a new marketing/branding strategy for the city - we know $50,000 won't do it.

6) $1 or so million for road improvement - change the signs on the Natcher and Audobon parkway so that the rest of the country will think Interstates run to Owensboro - wait, check that, project already in progress.

7) $6 million for traffic flow improvement - fund a 3 acre expansion of the Big Dipper parking lot.

8) $4 million for local agricultural initiatives - tap into local expertise in plant biotechnology to cross a tobacco plant with a tomato to make a tomato that's addictive (credit The Simpsons for this idea).

9) $50 million for tourism - build two new hotels and a convention center to set empty, the old empty ones are getting pretty run down.

10) $12 million for airport expansion - extend and strengthen runways so they can accommodate a 747 in anticipation of the wild success Allegiant Airways will have with their new service.

11) $9.2 million for an automotive industry bailout - build a factory to make UHaul trucks to accommodate the demand of people moving out of the city.

12) $100 million for new job creation - build 50 new fast food restuarants with jobs that pay minimum wage. Why fix what ain't broke?

13) $20 million for technology infrastructure - Vastly increase the population's access to the internet by providing free dial-up access.

14) $750,000 for a local history project - Hire a detective to figure out just who was behind the "Merger Stinks" skunk (you are truly old school if you remember that one.

15) $20 million for a new entertainment district - District to be anchored by a 3,000 seat "Vegas-style" showroom. John Brennan signed to a multi-year contract for two shows a night, five nights a week. Velvet Bombers to perform on dark nights.

16) $48 million for public health - Install moving walkways the entire length of the Green-belt to encourage its use. Remaining money to be used to make streets and sidewalks more "Rascal" friendly.

17) $60 utility infrastructure upgrades - Kenergy to research wireless power transmission technology, won't have to deal with all those pesky downed power lines when the next disaster hits.

18) $250 stimulation of the automobile industry - Release copious amounts of greenhouse gasses into the atmosphere causing an increase in global warming, allowing Don Moore to run his "It's Hot Don" commercials year round.

19) $2 billion for improvement in government relations - The entire city of Owensboro will be moved between Louisville and Lexington so we can be inside the golden triangle.

That's all I got, the peanut gallery is open if you have any "shovel-ready" projects to suggest.